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Anorexia is beautiful. <3 ...and I don't mean that as in them looking AESTETICALLY beautiful - toward the end they just look like Auschwitz survivors. No, I'm of course referring to how much anxiety they suffer on a daily basis, and how they're able to express it for me as they slowly torture themselves to death. I want a girlfriend who suffers before my eyes - who's just a walking testament to endless pain - both her own jailor and her prisoner.


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I've had anorexia myself, for maybe five years or so, before I understood that starvation wasn't the key to a good looking body. I had a long list of supermodel weights that I compared myself to, and I did manage to press my weight down to surpass a FEW of them before I broke my body metabolism and it started to put on pounds no matter what I did. I lost a few girlfriends because I'd do nothing but sleep and eat diet bars and water. No matter what they told me, I just ignored them, because I was sure that I was doing the right thing. ...but I wasn't even HALF as dedicated as the girls in the thinspiration videos I watched. God, I would have killed for a thigh gap. They say that abuse survivors and anorexia goes hand in hand. Maybe that's true. Maybe it's a sort of body control - I can't really tell you myself.

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My life is today still an endless dedication to getting rid of all the fat deposits on my body, but now I know how to do it in a healthy manner. ...but I wouldn't mind having a girlfriend who just didn't want to eat, because then we'd share the dedication. I love selfrestraint and selfsacrifice. It's real evidence of how superior that you can be, to rise above your basic urges. I guess that the link to rape is just that will to reject your own body too. It was taken from you, and now you're trying to punish it to "build its character". ...and that's what resonates with me. I realize that it's dangerous to do it with my own body, but it's like with me fapping to rape porn: It's still beautiful when it's other people. I want to be able to kill my body and still live.

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Like I feel like I could "help" someone with anorexia - help them stay motivated, I mean. Every single day I'd feed their anxiety by frowning at them and calling them disgusting fatties, and then I'd eat in front of them as they slurp on their water bottle while feeling like they don't even deserve to stay hydrated (because even if water is technically 0 calories, there is such a thing as water weight). I'd make sure to main tain them as a broken mess until they collapse and get hospitalized, and then on their deathbed, I'd be like "You've almost made it, hun. You're almost thin now. <3" and they'd smile at me happily and I'd kiss her goodbye, and then she'll finally be able to lose those final pounds as they lower her into the ground. I'm kind of fucked up, but that'd feel like love to me.

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Just look at them: Perfectly fat free. The ideal weight. Maybe I'd polish away that final coating of fat so that their bones shine a pristine pearly white, but you look so much better now than you ever did alive, and that coffin makes you look ten years younger. I bet you could go WEEKS without eating - even MONTHS! <3