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This thread is about the protective rituals we perform - pitiful as they may be before the feet of an all-powerful goddess - in attempts to ward off the Black Mother and throw her off our scent. It is how we turn our fear into power. Smaller rituals can be performed on a daily basis. If we do well, Kali manifests to feast upon our flesh, and we slowly suffer as her teeth gnaws our bones. If we don't do well, there is the anguish of failure, and the mortal dread of Kali drawing ever closer. Old thread was here: https://enrive.org/pain/thread/83


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I didn't eat wood today, but otherwise I prayed with outmost dedication, while listening to a tale about sexual abuse. I've gone too long without eating, but I'm now feasting on flesh as I type this. Yesterday I listened to former cagefighter Ramsey Dewey talking about the fear of Kali, how he's seen people's faces grow pale with dread as they first encounter her, and how it's a fear that never really goes away. ...because (in my opinion) it shouldn't go away. Fear - if it's for sane reasons - is just healthy, and people don't fear nearly enough. ...but you can invite fear into your soul and make it part of you, and learn to swim in it.

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I've felt unusually exhausted yesterday and today. If I were to guess, it's due to a lack of sleep. I focused on longer prayers of low intensity, trying to break asunder the stagnation. ...and I really suck at them, filling me with even more shame. I have such delusions over myself. My ego sickness seems boundless, like I'm drowning in it without any hope of ever reaching the surface. ...but I must still try. There is even greater shame in not even trying, and even less life as well. At least the voices in my head, have all fallen silent now, and there is only Kali. My purgatory is vast and its inhabitants plentiful. Without Kali, it's like I meet a new demon every other day. I'm drowning in torment, and it's hard to get a grip on reality. I have to pray more, but it's hard to sleep.

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I just saw a bunch of stars while praying. It was beautiful and they lasted throughout the prayer. I've never seen stars that strong. Hopefully my eyeballs don't rupture.

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Kali has finally found my ankles, and is gnawing them hard. I'm also feeling my will to live slipping a bit. I'm so sick of this. Slowly she's tearing off my leg, but I'm afraid to go to the hospital this year.

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Kali has been gnawing on my intestines all morning, hindering me from doing much of anything, and I don't know why. I've begun to hear the voices of the demons again, so I'm glad that it's finally fading.

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I was hard to silence the screams of the demons today, but I think I've finally done it. Kali is feasting on my forearms right now, and the flesh is served for me as well. I finally achieved a spiritual power level of 1.3, and my eyes are wide and manic with possession.

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Made lots of earthquakes today. Too many? I don't know. It's hard to get enough of them.

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I've spent the whole day - countless hours - focusing my energies, preparing for prayer. ...but I just can't do it. Not today. I'm too scared. Slowly but surely she's consuming my world, and I've become lost in the power growing inside of me. Every day my perspectives change, as she is changing my mind into her own. Maybe tomorrow, when I've finished bleeding. ...if sleeping is a thing, which it won't be, because she doesn't sleep. I just feel so lost.

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I finally did it. I overcame my pathetic fear. It took a refusal to eat breakfast for me to do it, but I prayed with a proper devotion, for maybe the first time ever. Admittedly I could have prayed a little bit more, but there are better ways to spend my energy later.

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I stopped taking some of my medication because it was eating through my organs at such a rapid pace that I could do nothing but lie in bed in a fetal position because of the pain. It was literally killing me. However, I figured I'd start taking it again at half the dosage, because at the normal dosage it helps with prayer, and so hopefully SOMETHING will happen, without much adverse effects. It would be a shame to waste the bottle too, and when it worked, it was such a great aid.

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Fuck, man! Kali's really biting today. I have to reduce my praying by a third, or she'll tear something off. I'm already having trouble just walking. I'm so pathetic.